my friend told me that, sometime really really long ago. (its from final fantasy i think)
well anyways today. my hsc-doing friend said hi and told me that everything was boring and that because of the hsc everyone was becoming anti-social. hanging out in the library, not talking much or going out. and im thinking. shit, is this going to be us next year?  oppressed and killing ourselves cos of this exam. the exam that is supposedly so important and going to determine where we go in our lives. i might not agree with what i am saying now the same time next year, but yeah, i dont wanna push my friends away for an exam.

so im talking to this friend whom i havent seen in ages and omg year 8 and 9 seem so far away. when we use to bum around in the city and bankstown and stuff like that like every month. now they're in year 12 whilst i'm edging closer to year 12, and i dont even know why im so scared of it when there are so many things in the world that are more so.

im reading a book now which i bought last year but never got around to reading it called 'the memory keepers daughter' about a man who gives a way his daughter cos she has down syndrome. and that got me thinking- what would i do if i had a child with a terminal illness? i shouldnt be watching crime shows, but criminal minds makes me paranoid almost, to drive alone at night, open doors, sleep even. and even if i could protect myself, what about all those around me. disease, death, crime. loneliness. what if im jobless? cant find love? contract some deadly disease? end up like my parents. fuck, life is crazy and full of shit that is out there to get you.

i find myself saying 'omg i dont wanna grow up' i want to be dumb for the rest of my life because ignorance is bliss. my life would be so much happier and carefree if i didnt know the rising unemployment rates, global warming and bunches of numbers. but then would it? then i wouldnt be wroking in order to steer clear of it. ahh what do i do? what do i do?! IM GETTING A RELIGION RIGHT NOW, I NEED SOME PURPOSE IN LIFE.

my worst fear. time. not having enough of it. and always greedy and wanting more. so many things i could/should have done if i could start over. what if i dissapear off the face of the earth without ever doing anything impressionable to help mankind?

if i werent such a failure i would end this blog by saying 'let it come, to hell with it', but im not. i admit to being afraid. im not afraid of the dark, this doesnt mean im not afraid of whats in it.